Phone call of many emotions....

     Before my grandpa passed away he knew we wanted to foster/adopt again.  He would tease me that we were going to have a boy and name him Danny Jr. (with his name being Dan, he enjoyed that).  I would remind him that we were having a girl.  He would jokingly argue that we would still have a boy named after him.  With the circumstances we were only licensed for a girl and I thought that was the end of the conversation.  We had bought pink everything to prepare. 
     When he did pass away this year a lot of people said now we were free to have a baby.  I don't look at it that way, I want my grandpa back, and would have loved to continue to have him on earth.  But beings it didn't work that way, I still wasn't ready to jump into being happy for a new baby when I was grieving or lack there of, I felt guilty to be happy again.  After about 6 months the state called and asked for an update and let us know for a newborn baby it could take up to 1 year.  I told them to put us on the active list and whenever and whatever happens, it was meant to be.  I was scared, excited, nervous and so much more!  One week had passed and my phone rang. 7 Days!!!!! 
     I was briefed on his name, age and background on the pregnancy that ended at 31 weeks gestation, and the extensive medical problems since birth.  They asked if I would be interested in fostering HIM?  Not a girl, it was a boy!  I just mumbled the word 'yes'.  He was in the Newborn ICU and they asked if I could go to the childrens hospital and start being his mommy.  They did not have consent from the birth mother for anyone to hold him, so for the first 3 weeks of life, going through numerous surgeries, seizures, lifelight and so much more, he was alone.  At this time the state took custody and our phone rang.  They told me we couldn't take him home yet, they asked us to visit often, he was very sick.  They also said there was a very strong chance this would go straight to adoption.  Again I just mumbled 'yes'.   The most recent contact after being flown to another hospital for a lifesaving surgery at 13 days old with the birth mother was the doctors hearing her voice in response to asking for consent was to say 'fuck you'. 

     I get asked all the time, "Why?"... "Why wouldn't you wait for a healthy baby?"....My honest answer? "Why not?".  Within 1 hour of the initial phone call  I called Jerad and told him I was heading to the hospital.  I called him back when I arrived and was crying.  He said, "Why are you crying, have you seen the baby yet?  Is he ok?"  I let him know I haven't seen him yet, that it was so surreal and emotional to know that I'm walking into a building to meet my son, not knowing what he looks like, what color hair, small nose, big feet????  When I walked into the NICU I couldn't stop staring... He was beautiful.  He had this perfect mohawk, a cute little button nose and was precious.  Jerad met me at the hospital, we sat down with the doctor to get a little more detail on his medical history and what lies in his and our future.  The doctor shook our hands and said "So how is Danny Jr. doing today?".....I thought I was going to choke.  When I asked where he had that name from he simply said, "His chart".  I told him that isn't his name and again asked where he got that name.  He again said his chart and showed us where his biological name had been typed and right above it, handwritten, there it was.  I cried and sobbed and cried some more.  I explained "Danny Jr." has nothing to do with this child.  The coincidence of having a boy instead of a girl are 50/50....that could be explained, even though crazy.  BUT having that name on his chart was unexplainable.  I wholeheartedly believe my grandpa sent this sweet angel to us.  I'm not sure his future, our future... all I know is he is our son. 
     We were going to name him Danny for obvious reasons, but with me, my husband and 2 kids all having names that start with "J" we didn't want him feeling he didn't fit.  So Danny will be his middle name, he is named after one strong man, his angel in heaven.
      When the doctor started reading all of his problems in more detail than the phone call, I was listening but I couldn't help but stare at this baby and the doctors voice started fading.  All of his medical problems weren't a problem at that moment, I just knew we would love this child.
      I have a very difficult time with his history.  It is hard not to be so angry and want to pass down punishment upon his 'birth people' at my own hands.  Drugs are a horrible thing and can take away life... BUT if you are street savvy for 8 years through the brutal winters, the scorching heat, where to score your next hit, how and who to rob for your source of money, walk up and down the streets in high heels to sell your body, then you should atleast have the common sense that a heartbeat inside your body that smoking pot, snorting cocaine and shooting heroin will be harmful.  They are adults, they have the choice to surrender to help at anytime... this poor baby was trapped in a womb that was supposed to protect him from the world and instead he endured sleeping in motel rooms and back alleys with rats crawling on his 'safe haven'.  Then to be forced into withdrawals the day he took his first breathe.  "Welcome, IT' A BOY!"  Weight? Length? Hair color? All fingers and toes? Not sure right now he is currently having a seizure from his mommy swallowing heroin..."Wrong type of "balloons" MOM to celebrate my birthday!

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Losing Him.... My hero

To go back a few months and give a brief insight into my hero, my mentor, my grandpa... which I also consider my father.  I have taken care of all his errands, medical needs, etc for years and years.  While at a Christmas party he called me with swollen ankles, I took him to the emergency room and it was congestive heart failure.  But within 1 day the swelling was gone and he was feeling great!  The next day thinking I would take him home, his heart starting acting up.  It went to hell real quick from there.  From December 17th to January 24th I never left his side.  They even made me sign a waiver to be able to sleep at the hospital saying they do not let family members stay... but as me being stubborn I signed the waiver and stayed 22 hours a day every day.  He didn't deserve to be left alone, dying with no one around.  He started hallucinating which was the most wicked thing I have ever witnessed.  I would get woken up by him screaming at me to get the gun someone was breaking through the windows.  Multiple times I would wake up to see him getting out of bed (physically wasn't stable anymore) to 'save' my grandma from being killed.  He would see my grandma laying there bleeding and he would scream for help.  I would try and comfort him in telling him that grandma was home safe and he just wouldn't accept that, he truly seen her lying there hurt.  He would be covered in blood from getting out of bed and falling, they put bed alarms on his bed - that didn't stop him.  The doctors thought he had Alzheimer's due to the hallucinations but they said it was the worst case they have ever seen.  They later determined with his heart condition, taking 4 medications that were maxed on the dose, that was causing the hallucinations to be so bad.  He had the nurses in tears.  This might sound bad but if I'm being honest I can say including my husband and my father, that my grandpa is the ONLY man I have never had a negative thing to say, never a hatred feeling.  It isn't fair that a man like him has to leave us.  These days everybody is fighting and hating.  He was always about loving and helping.  I never thought my kids would be old enough to remember him, beings he's had heart problems since he was 21 years old.  He taught my 15 year old how to mow lawns for side jobs... taught them both how to cook- up until the day he went to the hospital he was cooking.  Multiple times a week he would call me and say he had just made Jordan his favorite cookies and Jaycee a banana cream pie, if he heard any of us were sick he would have a pot full of homemade chicken noodle soup. He has never met my 3 month old son.... I have a hard time with that.  With Jaxon, he is his angel.  Towards the end it was the most gruesome and grueling days just to get from one hour to the next.  He knew who I was but he would always talk to me about people that have already died.  He would say, "Jamie go get ma, I can't find Johnny"....well obviously "Ma" (his mother) has been gone for 20 + years and "Johnny" is his brother that his been gone for 25+ years.  He would look at the ceiling and talk for hours.  It was very surreal, I have my own religious beliefs and it was very comforting to think that maybe your family/friends are there at the end.  One Sunday he had been in a semi coma when the LDS members came by to see if he wanted to have them sing a song.  I told them no because he wasn't even awake.  As I heard them go from room to room listening to them I know if he was awake he would've wanted them to sing.  So I went and found them and asked them to come back.  They did and as they sang a beautiful song I looked at him and as his eyes stayed closed, a tear ran down his cheek.  Day by day it wasn't getting any better.  He had been in a hospital bed for so long and one day he opened his eyes and asked if I could put him in the recliner chair we brought from home that I had been sleeping in.  He was so happy.  That is the picture I want to remember is him sitting there with his cheezy ass grin...happy.  They had asked me about his oxygen.  They suggested we take it off.  I said "HELL NO"! I wasn't going to have him struggle to breathe....They said if he struggles we can put it back on but they thought the oxygen was the only thing keeping him alive.  I felt like I had signed his death certificate when I pulled the tube off his face.  He had told me his wishes and his DNR (do not resuscitate) so I felt I had to go with his wishes.  His oxygen sats

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Have a "Scent"sational day!

Scentsy Sale

     When you order through my website I will send you a free Scent Circle!  Once you place your order, send me an email at lucybug24@digis.net or on facebook at www.facebook.com/jamiewicklesswithscentsy and let me know where you found my name (example, my blog, facebook, etc) and then let me know which scent you want for your FREE Scent Circle.. That's it!  Have a 'Scent'sational day!  A link to my webpage is in the right hand column or just click here... www.scentsy.us/wax  Also the warmer featured above... and the new April scent is 10% off!

Need more money....

     I know there are so many people suffering with not having enough money to pay the bills....  I know alot of people are worse off than we are, especially in this time of Japan and earthquakes and tsunami's, that's horrible... But it still doesn't stop the bill collectors from calling, me worried if the house will be foreclosed eventually, the list goes on about my worries.  Does anyone out there have a wonderful story of how they got out of debt?  My biggest dilemma right now is this.... I have a certain amount of money, and that's it.... Well, do you put that on the house payment, pay utilities, groceries etc.... what takes priority?  I started couponing for necessities and food.  I'm not as good as some, but I've saved ALOT of money doing it.  But I can't tell the mortgage company, "Give me a few weeks, I'm couponing".  I will continue to clip away, I love it...then again I need to do something else too.  I feel picked on with our credit card debt being for medical reasons of myself and my kids.  I don't go out and shop the day away, live the high life.  I take the approach, I'm thankful for what I have, my husband and kids, they are my world.  But like I mentioned, it's hell to answer the bill companies phone call and not be stressed.

Poor Kid.....

     Yesterday my baby girl went into surgery being a trooper.  She has known about this surgery for months, which is cruel for a child to know what's coming.  The anticipation is horrible.  To give you a little history she had tubes put in her ears as a 10 month old baby, not unusual for a child.  They usually will fall out on there own which is normal and happens within the first year.  Ten years has came and gone, we haven't thought anything about those little microscopic tubes until one visit in the E.R. with kidney stones, the doctor had mentioned her tubes were in place.  I took her to the ear, nose and throat doctor and he said after ten years there will be a permanent hole so they will need to do a simple patching up job.  They use the paper that people roll cigarettes and joints with.  They literally patch it over the hole, a little glue and it should be over.  The doctor tried this once a month, for 4 months straight with no success.  She was losing her hearing and she eventually ended up with an infection that was threatening her hearing, vision, face and brain.  Getting very serious they decided to make an incision into her head, take a piece of her jaw muscle and graft it into the hole and try it that way.  That was last April and it also failed.  I ended up getting a second, third and fourth opinion.  This type of surgery, there is so many horrific side effects, it is horrible to think of.  I honestly didn't think ear problems and surgery was that big of a deal, until all this happened.  Since that surgery she has had 5 more of the minor surgeries with the cigarette and joint paper patch.  I wanted to tell the doctor to get the damn surgery right or I might be rolling my own joint! (kidding).  After each surgery she couldn't cough, sneeze, throw up, be active for weeks at a time, if she did it would literally blow the whole surgery to pieces.  The winter months are more prone for sickness so we have wanted since December of 2010 to now, to do this LAST (crossing fingers) surgery.  Unfortunately it has been the most serious to date.  With a total of 11 surgeries to her head.  She went into the hospital at 10:30 yesterday morning, surgery started at noon.  I got word from the surgeon at 3:30 that she pulled through.  They have ran into problems and have had to keep her longer than anticipated.  All of the anesthesia and antibiotics do not sit well with her liver disease.  So now we sit and wait, and hope that this will be good news.