When he did pass away this year a lot of people said now we were free to have a baby. I don't look at it that way, I want my grandpa back, and would have loved to continue to have him on earth. But beings it didn't work that way, I still wasn't ready to jump into being happy for a new baby when I was grieving or lack there of, I felt guilty to be happy again. After about 6 months the state called and asked for an update and let us know for a newborn baby it could take up to 1 year. I told them to put us on the active list and whenever and whatever happens, it was meant to be. I was scared, excited, nervous and so much more! One week had passed and my phone rang. 7 Days!!!!!
I was briefed on his name, age and background on the pregnancy that ended at 31 weeks gestation, and the extensive medical problems since birth. They asked if I would be interested in fostering HIM? Not a girl, it was a boy! I just mumbled the word 'yes'. He was in the Newborn ICU and they asked if I could go to the childrens hospital and start being his mommy. They did not have consent from the birth mother for anyone to hold him, so for the first 3 weeks of life, going through numerous surgeries, seizures, lifelight and so much more, he was alone. At this time the state took custody and our phone rang. They told me we couldn't take him home yet, they asked us to visit often, he was very sick. They also said there was a very strong chance this would go straight to adoption. Again I just mumbled 'yes'. The most recent contact after being flown to another hospital for a lifesaving surgery at 13 days old with the birth mother was the doctors hearing her voice in response to asking for consent was to say 'fuck you'.
I get asked all the time, "Why?"... "Why wouldn't you wait for a healthy baby?"....My honest answer? "Why not?". Within 1 hour of the initial phone call I called Jerad and told him I was heading to the hospital. I called him back when I arrived and was crying. He said, "Why are you crying, have you seen the baby yet? Is he ok?" I let him know I haven't seen him yet, that it was so surreal and emotional to know that I'm walking into a building to meet my son, not knowing what he looks like, what color hair, small nose, big feet???? When I walked into the NICU I couldn't stop staring... He was beautiful. He had this perfect mohawk, a cute little button nose and was precious. Jerad met me at the hospital, we sat down with the doctor to get a little more detail on his medical history and what lies in his and our future. The doctor shook our hands and said "So how is Danny Jr. doing today?".....I thought I was going to choke. When I asked where he had that name from he simply said, "His chart". I told him that isn't his name and again asked where he got that name. He again said his chart and showed us where his biological name had been typed and right above it, handwritten, there it was. I cried and sobbed and cried some more. I explained "Danny Jr." has nothing to do with this child. The coincidence of having a boy instead of a girl are 50/50....that could be explained, even though crazy. BUT having that name on his chart was unexplainable. I wholeheartedly believe my grandpa sent this sweet angel to us. I'm not sure his future, our future... all I know is he is our son.
We were going to name him Danny for obvious reasons, but with me, my husband and 2 kids all having names that start with "J" we didn't want him feeling he didn't fit. So Danny will be his middle name, he is named after one strong man, his angel in heaven.
When the doctor started reading all of his problems in more detail than the phone call, I was listening but I couldn't help but stare at this baby and the doctors voice started fading. All of his medical problems weren't a problem at that moment, I just knew we would love this child.
I have a very difficult time with his history. It is hard not to be so angry and want to pass down punishment upon his 'birth people' at my own hands. Drugs are a horrible thing and can take away life... BUT if you are street savvy for 8 years through the brutal winters, the scorching heat, where to score your next hit, how and who to rob for your source of money, walk up and down the streets in high heels to sell your body, then you should atleast have the common sense that a heartbeat inside your body that smoking pot, snorting cocaine and shooting heroin will be harmful. They are adults, they have the choice to surrender to help at anytime... this poor baby was trapped in a womb that was supposed to protect him from the world and instead he endured sleeping in motel rooms and back alleys with rats crawling on his 'safe haven'. Then to be forced into withdrawals the day he took his first breathe. "Welcome, IT' A BOY!" Weight? Length? Hair color? All fingers and toes? Not sure right now he is currently having a seizure from his mommy swallowing heroin..."Wrong type of "balloons" MOM to celebrate my birthday!
