About Me

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I am a SAHM of 3 and a wife of one. I started a blog to just bitch about life and now our youngest son is very sick I want to hear from other families going thru this and support eachother. He has SBS secondary to NEC with only 50 cm proximal jejunum and a 3 cm segment of terminal ileum. He is TPN dependent. He is a tough little 6 lb, 3 month old! Keeping my mind from turning to mush, Scentsy was introduced to me and I'm very thankful. The wonderful people in this community has changed my life. Even so, chaos in our house is a daily adventure. Some days, alright most days.. I take things minute by minute. To get through this bumpy road called 'life' I need my husband Jerad and my kids, my son Jordan 15, and my daughter Jaycee who is 11, and my son Jaxon is 3 months...I say it how it is... So I will say this.... "If you don't like what you are reading, you have the choice to leave my page. Nice, bitchy, raging lunitic, loving.. that's me! I admit I swear like a sailor, I may have different religious beliefs, I hate brussel sprouts with a passion.. these are all ways to describe ME.. I love making new friends but I will not 'pretend' to be someone I'm not just for their sake.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Losing Him.... My hero

To go back a few months and give a brief insight into my hero, my mentor, my grandpa... which I also consider my father.  I have taken care of all his errands, medical needs, etc for years and years.  While at a Christmas party he called me with swollen ankles, I took him to the emergency room and it was congestive heart failure.  But within 1 day the swelling was gone and he was feeling great!  The next day thinking I would take him home, his heart starting acting up.  It went to hell real quick from there.  From December 17th to January 24th I never left his side.  They even made me sign a waiver to be able to sleep at the hospital saying they do not let family members stay... but as me being stubborn I signed the waiver and stayed 22 hours a day every day.  He didn't deserve to be left alone, dying with no one around.  He started hallucinating which was the most wicked thing I have ever witnessed.  I would get woken up by him screaming at me to get the gun someone was breaking through the windows.  Multiple times I would wake up to see him getting out of bed (physically wasn't stable anymore) to 'save' my grandma from being killed.  He would see my grandma laying there bleeding and he would scream for help.  I would try and comfort him in telling him that grandma was home safe and he just wouldn't accept that, he truly seen her lying there hurt.  He would be covered in blood from getting out of bed and falling, they put bed alarms on his bed - that didn't stop him.  The doctors thought he had Alzheimer's due to the hallucinations but they said it was the worst case they have ever seen.  They later determined with his heart condition, taking 4 medications that were maxed on the dose, that was causing the hallucinations to be so bad.  He had the nurses in tears.  This might sound bad but if I'm being honest I can say including my husband and my father, that my grandpa is the ONLY man I have never had a negative thing to say, never a hatred feeling.  It isn't fair that a man like him has to leave us.  These days everybody is fighting and hating.  He was always about loving and helping.  I never thought my kids would be old enough to remember him, beings he's had heart problems since he was 21 years old.  He taught my 15 year old how to mow lawns for side jobs... taught them both how to cook- up until the day he went to the hospital he was cooking.  Multiple times a week he would call me and say he had just made Jordan his favorite cookies and Jaycee a banana cream pie, if he heard any of us were sick he would have a pot full of homemade chicken noodle soup. He has never met my 3 month old son.... I have a hard time with that.  With Jaxon, he is his angel.  Towards the end it was the most gruesome and grueling days just to get from one hour to the next.  He knew who I was but he would always talk to me about people that have already died.  He would say, "Jamie go get ma, I can't find Johnny"....well obviously "Ma" (his mother) has been gone for 20 + years and "Johnny" is his brother that his been gone for 25+ years.  He would look at the ceiling and talk for hours.  It was very surreal, I have my own religious beliefs and it was very comforting to think that maybe your family/friends are there at the end.  One Sunday he had been in a semi coma when the LDS members came by to see if he wanted to have them sing a song.  I told them no because he wasn't even awake.  As I heard them go from room to room listening to them I know if he was awake he would've wanted them to sing.  So I went and found them and asked them to come back.  They did and as they sang a beautiful song I looked at him and as his eyes stayed closed, a tear ran down his cheek.  Day by day it wasn't getting any better.  He had been in a hospital bed for so long and one day he opened his eyes and asked if I could put him in the recliner chair we brought from home that I had been sleeping in.  He was so happy.  That is the picture I want to remember is him sitting there with his cheezy ass grin...happy.  They had asked me about his oxygen.  They suggested we take it off.  I said "HELL NO"! I wasn't going to have him struggle to breathe....They said if he struggles we can put it back on but they thought the oxygen was the only thing keeping him alive.  I felt like I had signed his death certificate when I pulled the tube off his face.  He had told me his wishes and his DNR (do not resuscitate) so I felt I had to go with his wishes.  His oxygen sats

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